Sexpo 2010: I came, I saw, I came s’more.

What more can I say about my first trip to Jo’burg’s annual Sexpo event?

If you haven’t been, it’s probably not what you’re expecting at all. Not an affair in the grand tradition of pornography or those German VHSs you watched in the 90’s [Jason].

Think of Sexpo more like The Rand Show, except with more penis. Really. There’s something about the whole affair that implies it was either set up by giggling young women or giggling old men (and yet probably neither), because there are penises of all shapes and sizes all over the place. There’s a giant inflatable one you could climb near the chapel, a few blow-up ones bobbing from side to side whenever bored guys with little on their minds would drum them between clammy palms, and of course there were the real kind that were in photographs, or attached to nudists and male strippers.

Also, there was Dickzilla over here, which looked like something both scarily accurate and, honestly, kind of Japanese:

Seriously, it has scales on its back.

Everyone in the place feigned awkward casualness as they walked through the two massive exhibit halls at Gallagher estate, avoiding eye contact and occasionally stopping to rag friends they bumped into about being at Sexpo. The stalls were populated mostly by semi-attractive (and sometimes not at all attractive) women and creepy looking guys, but the bright overhead lighting and constant foot traffic never made the place seem as skuzzy as the Adult World in Melville.

Somewhere in the middle, I got “lost” on my way out of the Lollipop Lounge’s private bar area, and ended up sitting there, batting away strippers who wanted to prove they were very good at their jobs.
At some point an “amateur” took to the pole and went as far as her skintight jeans would allow. Her name was Sasha, and I spoke to her afterwards, asking about her 3-month stint as a stripper before she supposedly retired to a regular 9-to-5 job behind a desk.

I asked why she took it up.
“I did it for my kids,” is what she told me.
Then she just plain forgot we’d spoken and called my cell phone to find out who I was.

Another person who was supporting their family was Juanita Fouche, who runs a pole dancing school. Despite churning out two kids at some point, Juanita looks like she’s ready to ride out into battle alongside He-Man at any moment. Her studio’s cage exhibit was designed by a crayola-wielding kid after last year’s Sexpo; this time so that Juanita would climb atop while her subordinates hung out inside. Her dad built it. This is all true.

Juanita Fouche: pole dancer and somebody's mother

The nudists, or “naturalists”, were the friendliest people around, inviting me to come check out their resort at some point in the future so long as I didn’t take pictures of them at their stall. Friendly run-ins continued with everyone from comedian John Vlismas, who had a show called “The Wet Spot” at this year’s event, to some weird Afrikaans guy who wanted me to stick my finger in a rubber ass while he spanked it. And it wasn’t weird as it sounds. All in all, a day well spent.

The Final Verdict: The object of Sexpo might make you feel like you’re about to experience some mythic unattainable orgasm during a perfunctory one night stand, but it’s a lot more like matrimony. Sexy, sexy matrimony.

There's a metaphor here somewhere.

The super-sweet girl-next-door Miss Nude Australia, Suzy Q, and her partner, Toby J, put on an impressive live performance involving trapezes and pole dancing.

When Superman met Fabio.

2 Responses to “Sexpo 2010: I came, I saw, I came s’more.”
  1. cluedupdude says:

    Really cool Nas, awesome pictures.

  2. Ivan The Burninator says:

    Who was more badass? Superman, Fabio or Juanita Fouche?

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