Homos ‘R Us

One night, in some bar-come-club, surrounded by some of the most liberal people I know, reality came in my face. These are the sorts of people who take drugs socially, frequently get naked in front of one another and, most importantly, would probably hump each others’ brains out if they didn’t subscribe (mostly) to that old masculine adage of “bros before hos”. They flex all kinds of extroverted, lib muscles without thinking and yet, when we were all confronted (not really) by something gay, they retreated into their conservative and defensive shells like they were too drunk to fuck.

Two guys, one of whom I initially mistook for a girl, sat in a seat in the dark somewhere just past us, in the middle of a manic makeout session. I glanced over, deciding on whether or not I found girls with boy-sized haircuts okay, and then I realized she wasn’t a boy at all. No problems there, I thought, and like an overexcited child who has just discovered the novelty of same sex couples, I turned to the others and said “Hey, look behind you” followed by “Two guys making out”. I realize that I sound like a the king of obvious statements right there, but bear with me, I was somewhere between gleaming pride at the progressive strides made by society and “it’s been quiet for far too long in this circle”.

The reactions of the other three present were decidedly surprising when you compared them to my optimism. One guy walked away to the bar immediately. Another looked over at me, cringing and pulling the same face you pull when you drink sour milk from the bottle on a hot summer’s day. The girl, who made sure I knew she was totally cool with “the gays”, shook her head and told me she was uncomfortable with seeing it. I’m not angry at these people – they’re all still pretty awesome – but I was just surprised by their reactions.

Then the other day I ended up in a conversation where I was asked why I was so fascinated by homosexuality. I’m sure the girls who were already snickering about me are doing so again now. Whatever. My answer was that I didn’t realize I was so “interested” at all. In fact, after giving it some more thought, I’d say that my views regarding gay people, gay sex and the word gay are decidedly uninteresting (and yet, here I am, writing about them). I don’t think anything of homosexuality; my opinion is that it’s just ‘there’, like pretty much everything else. Do it. Don’t do it. Either way you’re still just some person who has to worry about the same things as everybody else: money, sex, discrimination, God.

Hate em cos they're jocks, not fags.

People are discriminated against for being black, fat, famous, hideous, white (there’s a Kardashian spin-off for all of those); for being religious or being an atheist; for dating the wrong kinds of women and the wrong kinds of men. Intolerance is really just another of the many common denominators that exist between people. I discriminate and so do You, and while there’s something wrong with that, it’s also human nature to identify the distinguishing characteristics between us all. So there’s the first thing that makes homosexuals completely unremarkable from anyone else as far as group stereotypes go.

And yet, despite all the similarities between ‘them’ and ‘us’, people are still running scared in the streets like the zombie apocalypse is on our doorsteps.

“I think people are scared of the unknown,” says Obakeng Ntong, an openly gay radio presenter and programme manager of the developing NGO “Youth in South Africa”. “They’re not sure how they’re going to respond to getting to know this gay person.”

Demonstrating a little misplaced enthusiasm, Obakeng clearly gives straight folks enough credit to think that some of them still want to get to know any gay person at all. I can think of tons of evidence to the contrary, with my own lib friends apparently thrown in to tip the scales in favour of the heteros.

At this point it might seem like I’m loudly advocating a hetero lynching by the homo KKK, but really that’s not my point. My point is that there’s nothing uniquely despicable or sinister about gay people, so I think people should stop acting like there is. Don’t agree with it? Sure. Wouldn’t like to try it? Okay. But getting so worked up by two boys kissing that it makes you yack a little in your mouth, or worse (like, say, burning copies of The Gay Pages in the street) , is just plain gay.

Now excuse me while I go out and find a black Jewish homo to hug.

3 Responses to “Homos ‘R Us”
  1. Ivan The Burninator says:

    Next time you wanna go watch some homosexuals make out, give me a call. We’ll go and watch together. We can even go and hold hands if you like. No judgment in the wolf-pack, I always say. Funny, dark and insightful. More please.

  2. Psifaxx says:

    This whole article reminds me of the old joke I made up. About the guy forced to have gay sex in prison and was convinced by society that what men do in prison doesn’t mean they are gay. So now he only has sex when he is behind bars…and nightclubs, and taverns and pubs.

  3. Je Suis says:

    It’s hard to discern whether you’re advocating, protecting or knocking on/for the gays. Regardless – it’s difficult enough being gay to have to deal with the socio-political aspects of it.

    As a guy, I want to be friends with and have other guy friends – straight or gay. Will I share 100% of the interests with a straight guy? No. But the same can be said about the gay guys as well.

    The problem lies in the fear of the following:

    1) Straight guys don’t want to be friends with gay guys because they think that other people will think they’re gay
    2) Straight guys don’t want to be friends with gay guys because they think all that gay guys want to do is go down on them
    3) Gay guys don’t want to be friends with straight guys because they think they’re going to end up like Matthew Shepard on a fence post if they give the straight guy the wrong look

    I think the bigger question I have is, aside from the bar incident, are you ‘curious’ about gay guys simply because you haven’t seen or been around that many? I feel like if I’d been brought up with only homos and very little to no exposure to breeders that seeing a hetero couple make out would make me gawk… or gag… or both.

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