Movie Night: Oh f**k, it’s Schuster!

No one really ever comments on this blog’s content on the actual blog, but I do meet a lot of people who tell me they read the blog. Whether they’re just trying to be nice or placating me before they roofie my drink and I wake up naked in a crack den, I appreciate the ego massage. Apparently, though, people really want me to review shit. Or at least those [eight] people do. With that in mind, here’s a new feature – a review of not only the movie I just saw, but also the experience of going to the movies. And here my troubles (and the snide tweets about me) begin…

Last night I went to Northgate to watch Kick-Ass.

Aaron Johnson in Kick-Ass.

I like Northgate. I never ever shop there, but I try and catch a movie there once every couple months. The whole place provides a decently authentic take on what I expect of a suburban mall in the Northern suburbs. It looks clean (almost wet like the cleaning staff have just blazed through there on a blitzkrieg of all dirt), the rows of takeout places are all well lit (except for Spur, which always has its lighting set to “pedophile”), and there’s a bunch of white kids getting stoned in the parking lot with their token coconut, before they go ice skating.

Coincidentally, they appear to be Kick-Ass’s target audience. In case you missed it everywhere else, Kick-Ass is Dave Lizewski, a geek who decides to dress up as a super-hero and fight crime, but soon learns that, in order to do that in real life, you need to have ninja assassin training and be a little fucking nuts. It stars Nicolas Cage (the one from Adaptation, not Next), Mark Strong (from Sherlock Holmes) and some semi-recognizable 20-somethings with boyish (and sometimes girlish) faces. Also, a 10-year-old (now 13) who swears and slaughters mobsters by the dozen. It is obviously a comedy (McLovin is in it; Nuff Said), but does a decent job of bringing in elements of drama and some very well-choreographed action sequences. It is pure entertainment porn, with severed limbs, thrown knives, great one-liners (but really only from Clark Duke), decent acting, a cool soundtrack, a shot of melodrama and a side of poor pacing.

The movie’s only real flaw? Balance.

Director Matthew Vaughn does a good job with the disparate violence and comedy; the drama and the situational humour, but he never quite seems to find a decent middle-ground where the two can meet up and hold hands in front of a beautiful sunrise (except when they do and it makes you groan). The constant shifts in tone are never more obvious than in the film’s climax, which abandons logic in favour of finding something for the titular “hero” to do… even if it makes no sense. The earlier bits of the film suffer pacing problems because of this very same tonal back-and-forth. Nonetheless, if you just want to be entertained by lots of violence and teen humour, then this is the movie for you. It’s Spider-Man with his balls hanging out for the world to see. And in case you’re the squeamish type, don’t worry, there isn’t all that much blood.

But that’s not where this review ends (as the title suggests)!

Before the movie, we had to sit through some trailers (which I do enjoy doing).
For 2 very unnecessary sequels: First, Shrek Forever After, which may be good but probably won’t be because, with each new installment, the creators seem to distill the humour by upping the kid factor, and toning down the obscure humour that makes Shrek movies funny (seriously, the Shirley Bassey bush is my favourite joke in Shrek 2). Then, for Sex & The City 2, which must have more vaginas bedazzling themselves than the new Twilight trailer. The story of 3 old socialites and 1 cougar whore (but seriously, sign me up, cos I’d tap that) dressing up in high fashion and making jokes about the taste of semen is essentially the fairer (and sometimes more horse-faced) sex’s equivalent of Batman, so don’t forget to pop a muscle relaxant before and a Viagra after, boyfriends.

The new Mel Gibson movie has a trailer that starts with him playing Riggs, and ends with an ironic mix of Antisemitism and/or a Passion Of The Christ reference (take your pick), but I already liked this movie about a father out for revenge way more when it was “Taken” starring Liam Neeson.

Lastly, though, I sat through the trailer for Leon Schuster‘s new movie, Schuks Tshabalala’s Survival Guide to South Africa. I use the word “new” in Schuster’s case about as loosely as I use the term “movie” when he’s involved. It’s the same 23 gags from when you were young and Apartheid was in full swing, with the same cutesy South African in-jokes about superstitious blacks, aggressive coloureds, and whites who end up laughing to cover up their obvious racism. I’m sure it will be a success and good on Schuster for finding what works and running so far with it that Caster Semenya can’t keep up.

So, yeah, go watch Kick-Ass and I’m sure you’ll laugh at the funny bits. This while the stupid man-children around you wet themselves at the sight of butterfly knives (and the thought of a new Schuster movie).

Coming Soon: Iron Man 2

5 Responses to “Movie Night: Oh f**k, it’s Schuster!”
  1. Nexorsist says:

    I haven’t read the whole review, but I do have to comment that Northgate might “technically” be in the Northern Suburbs, but it sure as hell does not represent malls in the North. Sandton, The Zone, Cresta, Fourways, Monte Casino, is a better representation of these malls.

    Northgate is shitter exit of the North and is mostly crowded with middle to lower income earners of the West Rand townhouses. The place is a shithole and I try to avoid going there if I can

  2. Ivan says:

    So how many phat lips,Joe?

  3. Ivan says:

    Just finished watching it…what a half assed deconstruction of the genre! It really had its moments but by the time it was done I really didn’t care anymore.In many ways its exactly like all of Millar’s work, awesome premise followed by a shallow predictable conclusion. I just wished I had got some of that something something from the kids in the car park before I watched this…I’m sure I would’ve enjoyed it more!

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  1. […] also features a star with a massive head!). It stars Ryan Reynolds, Mark Strong (Sherlock Holmes, Kick-Ass) and some other people you’ll likely recognize in the above trailer (Tim Robbins, […]

  2. […] also features a star with a massive head!). It stars Ryan Reynolds, Mark Strong (Sherlock Holmes, Kick-Ass) and some other people you’ll likely recognize in the above trailer (Tim Robbins, […]

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