How A Procreative Christmas Will Bring You Closer To God

The yuletide spirit’s in the air, so I’ve been searching for a Christmas song. A song I could play to myself, and to others, to let them know what Christmas means to me this year. I’m at my most self aware these days, and definitely more aware of the world around me than ever before. With that in mind, I decided to reanalyze what I know about Christmas.


The day was chosen by the early church to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ. In doing so, Christmas could be seen to commemorate the act of his conception as well. I mean, chickens and eggs and all that, right? And there he was, chilling out in the manger, covered in placenta, and it got everyone smiling. People brought him presents People wrote songs about this stuff. Based on that, it seems that Christmas is pretty supportive of parties. Especially when the dude who everyone (except the Jews) was thrilled to have at those parties was like a walking wine fountain. Wine. Smiles. Music. Celebration. Parties. You see where this is going, don’t you?

With that in mind, I think the best possible song to sum up my feelings and realizations about Christmas this year is ‘Closer’, by Nine Inch Nails. Listen to it. Trent Reznor says it for me: “You get me closer to God” – yes, Christmas, and sex, bring you closer to God. I’ll spend my Christmas at a friend’s Christmas party, pretending I want to be there while contemplating doing coke in the bathroom. HelloIHateYou’s going to be laying on a trampoline smoking thin cut cigarettes and (quite probably) drinking a bottle of wine, or two. Oh, I’m envious to be sure. So envious that I may have to leave that party early and find that trampoline.

So it’s Christmas. Go forth and party, and procreate (or at least rehearse for it), because that’s what Christmas is all about.

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Comments
One Response to “How A Procreative Christmas Will Bring You Closer To God”
  1. Hello I Hate You says:

    Perhaps ill practice this procreation on the trampoline amidst my booze and slim cigarettes. Merry Christmas all!! Ha!

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